What to do
A step-by-step guide. Find where you are and follow the guidance. You don't need to have all the answers - just take the next step.
Worried but not sure
Something feels off. He's not himself. You can't quite put your finger on it.
Do:
- Pay attention to what you're noticing
- Stay present and available
- Keep inviting him to normal activities
- Trust your gut - you know him
Don't:
- Don't ignore what you're seeing
- Don't make it about you
- Don't push too hard too soon
- Don't tell others without his knowledge
Growing concern
The signs are clearer. Withdrawal, mood changes, behaviour shifts. This isn't just a bad week.
Do:
- Find a quiet moment and say: "I've noticed you seem different lately. I'm not going anywhere."
- Listen without trying to fix
- Normalise struggling: "Most men go through rough patches"
Don't:
- Don't say "man up" or "snap out of it"
- Don't ambush him in front of others
- Don't give ultimatums
Active concern
He's isolating. Drinking more. Not sleeping. You're worried regularly now.
Do:
- Ask directly: "Are you having thoughts about not wanting to be here?"
- Suggest GP visit - offer to go with him
- Point him to Holdfast: "There are blokes who've been through this who want to listen"
- Look after yourself too - this is hard on you
Don't:
- Don't be afraid to ask about suicide directly - it doesn't plant the idea
- Don't promise to keep secrets about safety
- Don't carry this alone
Serious concern
He's talked about not wanting to be here. He's giving things away. He seems suddenly calm after a long low. You're scared.
Do:
- Take it seriously - every time
- Stay with him if possible
- Call his GP and explain the situation (you can do this even without his consent)
- Remove access to means if safe to do so
- Call Samaritans yourself: 116 123 - they help supporters too
Don't:
- Don't dismiss it as attention-seeking
- Don't leave him alone for extended periods
- Don't try to be his therapist
Immediate danger
You believe he is about to harm himself right now, or has already attempted.
Call 999 now.
- Stay with him - do not leave
- If he's taken something, call 999 and tell them what
- Keep him talking - your voice matters
- Do not try to restrain him unless there is immediate physical danger
- When paramedics arrive, tell them everything you know
The aftermath
Whether the crisis passed, he got help, or the worst happened - you need support too.
What you've been through is traumatic. You matter in this. Please reach out:
- Samaritans: 116 123 - for you, not just him
- Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide: 0300 111 5065
- Your GP: Tell them what you've been through
- Holdfast: Talk to someone who understands
A structured tool to help you evaluate what you're seeing.